TED: Kids, Barney's mom had this blouse that she absolutely loved.
But then Robin won it in a poker game, which led to some slight awkwardness.
You won the battle, but I'll win the war.
Game on, bitch.
BARNEY: Please, Mom, I need you to just be cool.
Okay? Can you do that for me?
- For you? Yes. - And for Robin?
Ugh.
- She's gonna be your daughter in 33 hours... - Daughter-in-law.
Making it illegal for you not to treat her like a daughter.
In-law-yered.
Please, Mom, all Robin wants to do is put this whole thing behind her...
...so she can get married and put this whole thing behind her.
Ah...
Quickly-so-we-can-move-past- how-awkward-that-was five!
Fine. If Robin's ready to bury the hatchet, then I guess I'm ready to bury the hatchet.
Morning, bitches. Like my new blouse?
- Oh, hell, no! BARNEY: No, Mom, Mom. Hey, hey, hey.
Ripped By mstoll
TED: Not far from the Farhampton Inn, there's a lighthouse.
It's a really special place, and that morning I wanted to see it for myself.
There was just one problem.
Look, I'm sorry, Ted...
...but I can't, in good faith, send a lonely guy like yourself to the top of a very...
...romantic, and more to the point, a very tall lighthouse.
[WHISTLES]
[IMITATES SPLAT]
I don't want your blood on my hands.
And I mean that literally, because it would be my job to hose down the rocks.
TED: Now, late the night before, thanks to Marshall's travel companion, Daphne...
...Lily had received some unsettling news.
I'm gonna be a judge.
TED: Screwing up their whole plan to move to Italy. She wasn't happy.
Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. No, I don't want to talk about it.
Yes, this has booze in it. No, it's not my first.
You wanna make this brunch a drunch?
You do you, I'm not gonna judge.
- I'm gonna be a judge. - Judge.
Thank you, Linus.
TED: As for Marshall and Daphne, they got caught in that big storm.
Luckily, they had a place to crash for the night: My childhood home.
Okay, that sign might not have been there.
- Thank you for letting us stay the night. - Oh, it was our pleasure.
I'm just glad that storm has passed.
But there's one storm that hasn't passed...
...isn't there, Marshall? - Hey, Clint.
CLINT: You know what I'm talking about, don't you?
I'm talking about the one that's been raining cats and dogs all over this friendship.
This isn't a friendship.
Oh.
- Nice. - We're reluctant travel companions.
Little-known fact about me: I'm an almost graduate...
...of the Conflict Resolution program over at Tri-C.
I even had my own practice at Van Aken Plaza...
...before the manager of the Wendy's made me stop hogging the booth. The point is...
...I can fix this. - Oh, I don't know, Clint.
[CLINT STRUMMING GUITAR]
[SINGING] Gonna resolve some conflicts
Gonna make a deeper understanding Through mediation
Okay, you know what? We have to hit the road.
But, um, Mrs. Mosby, do you mind if I take this mug?
- I'd like to make fun of Ted when I see him. - Of course.
You know, when Ted was 7, he and his best friend...
...took this Wild West photo together at Geauga Lake. I could go look for it.
- We should get going. - His friend was a balloon.
- What's a few more minutes? - Yeah, you're gonna want that.
So, what's everyone doing this morning?
Oh, I kind of feel like playing some tennis.
- Maybe we should reserve a court. - Court.
Thank you, Linus.
Pancakes and eggs, Robin?
I guess that blouse won't be loose and flowy for long.
- Mom. - Keep talking, Loretta.
I've been waiting all morning to "ketchup."
Oops.
You're not supposed to put ketchup on scrambled eggs.
Right, Loretta, because you're the queen of scrambled eggs.
Actually, that's exactly what she is.
When mom was a groupie in the '70s...
...her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock.
Lots of songs written about those scrambled eggs.
ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"?
Originally, "She's Got Eggs." Led Zeppelin? "Scramble On."
Steve Miller? "The Yolker."
If you listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while eating her eggs...
...it lines up perfectly.
While I'm sure it was your mother's cooking skills...
...that made her so popular with ZZ Top and their ilk...
...I know for a fact that she does not make the best scrambled eggs.
Because my mom makes the best scrambled eggs.
[GASPING]
TED: Kids, we'd known your Aunt Robin for eight years at that point.
And here's what we knew about her mom:
My mom is terrified of flying.
My mom got stung by a jellyfish.
My mom makes the best scrambled eggs.
TED: And that's everything. - In fact, she should be here any minute.
Barney, maybe she can cook you some real scrambled eggs...
...so you can see what you've been missing. - Don't do this. You can't win the egg war.
Canadian scrambled eggs, how quaint. Does your mom put maple syrup on them?
Ha-ha-ha. This is all very friendly. Get out of this now.
Why not? We put maple syrup on everything else.
BARNEY: Ha... - That's it!
We need your omelet station.
My son's fiancée is about to get served...
...some delicious scrambled eggs.
Or I could go out to the driveway and eat some gravel.
- Wait, sorry. Did you say gravel or gavel? - Gravel. Why would I say gavel?
Gavel.
Thank you, Linus.
Curtis, can I please have a map to the lighthouse?
- It's a very romantic lighthouse. - I can't even have a map?
It's a very romantic map.
- I can't let you go without a date. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- What happened to that girl Cassie? - Cassie?
TED: Cassie was the girl I'd spent the entire previous night consoling.
Just consoling.
Yeah, that's not happening.
TED: And then, in her anger...
...Lily gave me a piece of advice, about which she would later say:
Whoo, doggie, that was some bad advice.
Okay, here's why you're an idiot.
- Did you find Cassie attractive? - I guess.
- Is she a relatively normal height? - Yeah.
So end up with her already.
God, do you really think that you're gonna find some perfect girl...
...who checks off every item on your list?
Well, not every item. I mean, she doesn't have to share my love for coins.
Although it would be nice, just once, not to have to go stag to Coin-Con.
Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby.
Do you think Marshall always makes me happy?
Sometimes being with him is a real trial.
Trial.
Huh. Did it to myself that time.
Look, Ted, it's time to settle.
Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse...
...and fall in love with her and quit bothering us with your dumb love-life stuff.
God, I am so sick of being smarter than everyone else.
- You're slipping, Linus. - We're running out of glasses.
Do you want to just go to this stupid lighthouse?
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Ooh, Zitch Dog. Cocker spaniel in the Jetta.
That's Marshall Eriksen, 28, Daphne, 0.
For the 28th time, I'm not playing your stupid game!
Oh, stupid, huh? That's great.
I guess Daphne gets to pick the music and crap all over my fun road trip games.
[DAPHNE SIGHS]
You know, maybe Clint was right. Maybe we do need conflict resolution.
I knew you guys would come around.
[MARSHALL & DAPHNE SCREAMING]
TED: And so I made up my mind to settle for Cassie.
So, um, what kind of music do you like?
Hm. Nothing.
TED: Still, I felt optimistic.
After all, Cassie was cute and single, and heck...
...it's not like the universe was telling us we shouldn't be together.
Here we are. Enjoy.
Remember, happy wife, happy life. Pretend they're just okay.
Please, Lily, I think I can manage to...
Oh, my God. I'm 8 years old again and life is perfect...
...and I haven't peed my shorts in front of 350 Webelos...
...at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia. I'm sorry, Robin.
- What do you think, Lily? - Oh, my God, they're so delicious.
Even more delicious than finding out Barney peed himself...
...at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia. I'm sorry, Robin.
BARNEY: Mm. - Come on, they can't be that good.
[LILY WHIMPERING]
Excuse me, Mrs. Stinson. Some of our guests smelled your scrambled eggs...
...and were wondering if you could make some for them as well.
- I don't think I sh... ALL [CHANTING]: Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!
Eggs! Eggs!
Clint, what are you doing here?
What the Ohio State Board of Holistic Medicine has told me...
...I'm in no way qualified to do, my job.
When I see a conflict needs resolving, I must act.
Plus Ted's mom wanted me out of the house. So today...
...we're gonna build a new paradigm of understanding.
Then you're gonna swoop me on back to Shaker Heights.
Oh, I need to stop at Record Rev on Coventry. My vaporizer's ready.
Marshall, pull over and dump this hippie on the side of the road.
I can't do that.
[SINGING] Gonna resolve some conflicts
Daphne picks the music.
Gonna end this argument Between Marshall and his mistress
Daphne picks the music!
Ow! Stupid race car. This is why children should not have toys.
- Maybe this lighthouse isn't such a good idea... - No, you don't. You committed, so did I.
So let's go.
Oh. Ow! Oh.
Actually, it's feeling better. Heh-heh. Ow!
Oh. No, it's not. Mm-mm.
Mom, I don't know why your phone's off. Maybe you left your charger in the pickup truck.
But I need you to get here fast.
I know you're gonna wanna take a hot bath when you get in.
She fits in a bathtub, that's good news. Unless...
Oh, God, how big are Canadian bathtubs?
- Do people line up for your mom's eggs? - Loretta...
...even I could make better eggs than this.
I'd love it if you'd teach me how to make scrambled eggs.
It's a scramble-off, everybody. A scramble-off to the death!
Someone go watch for the cops.
Maybe we should have read up on this town before booking our wedding.
Let's do some "When you/I feel."
All right, for example, when you don't do trust falls...
...I feel like you should do trust falls.
So just do the damn trust falls.
- I'm driving a car, Clint. - Well...
Okay, uh, Daphne...
...when you say, "Drill, baby, drill" every time that we pass a gas station...
...I feel invalidated.
Marshall, when you talk, I feel, "Shut up."
- That's very good, both of you. - Really? Both of us?
Name one energy that's better than oil.
Wind. Solar. Hydroelectric. See what I've been dealing with, Clint?
[SINGING] The sticky petroleum clings
Please not now.
To the pelican's broken wings
Hey, Mr. Oilman, what have you done...?
- Enough! - Stop, please.
I'm tired of your beard and I'm tired of this stupid therapy session.
[MARVIN CRYING]
And I'm tired of the way that your songs have a laxative effect on Marvin.
And on me. Every time Clint starts singing, I just gotta go.
Yeah, it's like, uh, the only trust fall when you sing...
...is that I trust that a piece of poop...
...is gonna fall out of my son's butt.
[LAUGHING]
Hey, Clint, how about that?
You got us to agree on something: We both think you're a loser. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
This therapy works.
No! That is not the way therapy works at all.
You think this is some kind of a joke? This is my career.
I will not go back to coaching the Browns.
Why can't people take what I do seriously? God!
[CLINT GRUNTING]
[MARVIN CRYING]
TED: Oh, my God. One more.
Oh, my God. Okay.
Oh, my God.
[TED AND CASSIE PANTING]
God, that was a lot of stairs. I'm exhausted.
My chest is on fire.
CASSIE: Oh. Unh.
So, Mr. Architect, what do we do now?
Fall in love or something?
TED: And, kids, as I stood on that lighthouse and looked at that girl...
...I felt something happen inside me.
Something that had only happened one other time in my entire adult life.
[TED VOMITING]
ROBIN: Okay, scrambled eggs, here we go.
Where is the egg opener?
Never mind, I'll pre-scramble them.
Okay, fine, Loretta. You know what? You win. I don't know how to cook egg.
If you can't make scrambled eggs...
...I just worry what kind of breakfast you're gonna be serving my grandchildren.
Well, lucky you, because that is one thing you won't ever have to worry about.
Mom, Robin can't have kids.
Every single job I take on, it's always the same.
"The coffeemaker has to stay in the office, Clint."
"You still have to wear pants on Casual Friday, Clint."
"We didn't hire you, Clint." Well, God, I'm just sick of it.
I'm si... Ow. Ow.
Oh, I can hear my blood right now. I'm having an attack. A blood attack.
- A blood attack? - Yeah, pull over.
I need to meditate. I gotta get my heart rate down. Ow. Pull over.
- We're in the middle of nowhere. CLINT: Pull over!
Zitch Dog. Labradoodle in the Ford Fusion.
Ow! God.
Robin can't have kids?
- But you always wanted children. - No, I always liked children.
I've always wanted a Lamborghini where there's a hot tub inside.
God, I wish that existed.
So no grandkids.
- How long have you known about this? - I found out last fall.
BARNEY: Robin and I had been hanging out downtown at this very cool secret bar.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
What a lovely place. Have you ever had sushi that fresh?
Okay, I am never getting on a mechanical bull again.
[BARNEY CHUCKLES]
I can't believe Marshall and Lily missed out. Promise me if you ever have kids...
...you'll sometimes get a babysitter and come have an epic night.
Oh, and PS, bring the babysitter. She sounds dirty.
Actually, I can't have kids, so that's not an issue.
- Really? - Yeah.
Is it weird that I'm hugging you like this?
No, it's not weird.
- Now it's weird. - Yep, the rain makes it weird.
Mom, I'm not marrying some future possibility of starting a family.
I'm marrying a girl...
...who means more to me than kids, or my career...
...or even the Lambor-cuzzi, patent pending.
So please...
...be nice to her?
DAPHNE: This is ridiculous.
Get out there and drag Clint's downward-facing ass back in here so we can get going.
Just let him do his thing.
[DAPHNE SIGHS]
Do you know why the Daphnes of the world always get to pick the music...
...and the Marshall's pay all the tolls?
Because the Marshall's are so concerned with letting everybody do their thing...
...and the Daphnes are taking care of Daphne.
You can talk to me about solar or wind or hydro-whatever...
...but the world is always gonna push you around, Marshall.
Until you learn to go nuclear.
What are you doing?
Is this real?
Are you doing this?
- We need some driving music. - No!
You threw a live grenade into my marriage.
You screwed up my whole world.
So from now on...
...we listen to my music.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
I hate this song.
Give it time.
Just to be that man Who walked a thousand miles
Zitch Dog. Beagle in a Beetle.
Don't let Loretta get to you.
Hey, when your mom gets here, do you wanna all go, I don't know...
...avoid jellyfish? - She's not coming.
What?
I finally got ahold of her. She, um, never got on the plane.
She was too scared.
She won't be at her daughter's wedding.
[OTIS REDDING'S "TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS" PLAYS]
If that is the case, can we tell Barney she's super-fat?
It would mean the world to me.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, of course.
Oh, here we go.
- Listen, Robin... - Loretta, not now.
Robin just found out her mom's not coming to the wedding.
Wearing that same old shaggy dress
Oh. Uh... Uh...
Okay, Loretta...
My name is Mom.
Don't you ever call me anything else. I'm Mom.
Okay, Mom.
I'm sorry. Sometimes I get...
...carried away.
Your eggs are great, by the way.
LILY: Mm.
Whoo, doggie, that was some bad advice.
Thanks, Lil.
But you know what sucks?
When I was at the top of that lighthouse, despite everything else...
Wow, it's like traveling back in time.
Just stop talking.
TED: It was breathtaking.
And I wasted it.
How many places have I ruined forever by being there with the wrong girl?
So come back with the right girl.
I don't know.
I'm starting to think a person gets a certain allotment of lighthouses per lifetime.
I've used all mine up.
TED: And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say...
...before you've met the person who hits the reset button on the world.
Who makes everything new again.
Who makes it seem ridiculous that you ever considered settling.
Because not two years later...
She has
Look at that.
Her grief and care
It's like traveling back in time.
- That is exactly what I said. - Heh-heh.
Why couldn't it have been you here with me two years ago?
That's probably for the best.
When you vomit, I vomit. You know that.
Well, thanks for being here with me now.
Thanks for bringing me.
You won't regret it, no, no
Wow.
It is just bonkers beautiful here.
I don't know how you could improve on a day like this.
Happiness, yeah
Well, I'm gonna try.
But it's all so easy
All you gotta do is try
Whoa.
Try a little tenderness, yeah
- Will you...? - Yes.
- You didn't even let... - Yes.
- Marry me? - Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Never leave her
Get to her, just try
Just try a little tenderness
Yeah, yeah
You got to know how to love her, man
Take this advice, man
You got to squeeze her Don't tease her
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Son of a bitch!
Ripped By mstoll